I Feel Pretty

Since around the time I turned 15, I've had a fascination with physical beauty, both in magazines, and on movie screens. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to achieve it, and yet, I will never consider myself a great beauty. I am not leading lady material. If a person were to ask me to rate my looks on a 1-10 scale, I would set my "10" standard to Kate Beckensale or Alessandra Ambrosio, then put myself somewhere around 6, with a generous 7 if I was at my glamorous best. My youth and slender physique account for most of my rating, though on some days my acne-riddled face brings my rating down to a 5.

A couple months ago, my little family of four went on a week-long cruise to the Bahamas. No internet access, no TV (not that I watch much, anyway), no magazines displayed in checkout lines. Just me, my family, and whatever books I had loaded onto my Kindle.

When we got home, I realized something fascinating. I felt amazing about my looks. Acne flare-ups, crazy new hair color (black), uber pale skin and all, I was feeling beautiful.

Part of that was probably the very complimentary Bahamians. I can't even count how many times strangers at the ports said they found me beautiful. (Mostly women.) Many complimented my clothes or hairstyle. One even gasped, then exclaimed that I am a beauty. Several minutes later, she said, in a tone of awed incredulity, "I mean it. You are very beautiful." I think I need to move to the Bahamas for a couple years. Though I'd probably return with the biggest head you've ever seen. If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend the Bahamas for your next vacation.

Another factor which I'm sure contributed, was the fact that the cruise ship had very average looking people. Big, small, old, young, smiley, dour, dark, light... normal. Same with the ports we visited. Never on our journey did we come across an Angelina Jolie, Katherine Heigl or Captain America.

If I were to adjust my 1-10 scale to only include the population of our ship, I would be ranked at a solid 8, or possible 9. If I'm not comparing myself to the super-powers of beauty, in all their photoshopped glory, I actually feel fairly confident in my looks.

Let me make one thing clear: I do not feel that the "looks rating" I would assign to myself or anybody else has a single thing to do with their value as an individual. In regards to myself, I feel I have much more to offer this world than an outer package, specifically my intelligence, wit, charm and warmth.

So why allow myself the fascination with looks? Because I do think they're important. I am a busy person, and for the most part, so is everybody else. We're all going through our lives in a sort of self-focused bubble. When we do take the time to "unwrap" a person's outer appearance enough to see her inner self, we will almost always find a lovable person. But with all the people bumping into our bubble, we will never have time to unwrap them all.

In the first fleeting moments of seeing another person, we are faced with the decision of either unwrapping her to see the inner self, or to go about with our day. Some people have personalities which are so effervescent, we can feel them bursting out of their outer package, and we want to know them know them whether they're wrapped in gold or plain brown paper. Other times we base our decision on if the outer package appeals to us, because, at first, that is the only information we are given.

Being a person with a strong drive to be liked, I do my best to boost the odds of being liked by everybody. Family, Friends, Strangers. Looking a certain way won't necessarily make me likable, but it probably gives more chances to show what my inner-self is like. Not to mention extra self-confidence, which makes one more outgoing, courageous and vivacious when meeting new people.



I began this post with the intention of pointing out that perceptions of physical beauty can be warped by over-exposure to the photoshopped, perfectly coiffed and made-up celebrities in the media, but in the end, I felt the need to justify my perspective on looks in general. So, while perhaps not perfectly coherent, you have now been treated to a glimpse of my inner self.